Do you remember those days, in ‘Through the Keyhole’ where Loyd Grossman used to nasally whine in his transatlantic drawl about the anonymous occupants of a house he was poking around. The motto “who would live in a house like this” would have his panelists debating which celebrity would have the bad taste to sleep under faux leopard bedsheets and admire their 80’s mullet in the mirrored ceiling.
Whilst I am no Peter Stringfellow (showing my age here), and opt for a clean white on the walls and bedsheets, I often wonder what the perception of an outsider would be of our home and our taste. As we enter our forty-third day in lockdown, no one has got closer than our driveway so a futile musing.
However, one person who is a frequent doorstep dropper, is the Amazon Prime Man.
My parcels are always intact. They are delivered with speed and reliability. But, with my lack of external inspiration for blog posts – it did get me wondering what the Amazon man and indeed Loyd would make of our most recent online purchases? If he had the chance to peek and present them to a panel – what would they make of the purchaser?
Who would place an order like this?
So, first we have a veritable rainbow of felt – a cornucopia of colours. Who would place such an order? This bundle of thick, felt fabric is clearly not enough to cover a snooker table, so it’s no Ronnie O’ Sullivan quick-buy and it’s not comfortable against the skin so we’re not talking a house of Haute Couture here. With its leanings towards crafting, are we looking at a patchwork quilter or is this the desperation buy of a needy mother who had grand designs of fashioning the entire cast of Hey Duggee (before deciding it was far too much like hard work and opted for the 300th episode of Teletubbies)?
Is this a household partial to outdoor pursuits? That inflatable camp-bed, purchased to sleep amongst the stars – well it’ll remain flat without a 240 volt socket to plug in to so are we looking at someone closer to home. Perhaps we have fitness enthusiast – ensuring their pilates ball is pumped and primed? Or maybe this was the acquisition of an accident-prone parent with a tendency for puncturing paddling pools? To ease the loneliness of lockdown, we could all invest in an electric inflater/deflator along with some blow-up friends and family to have a safe, socially-distanced gathering in the garden?
Everyone keeps talking about the potential baby-boom during lockdown. I’m presuming this isn’t pointed at residences already housing a toddler who demands entertainment and snacks for fourteen hours of the long day. So who would require one-hundred compostable caddy bags? Is it the weary wife who has finally lost it with the husband for leaving his trip-hazard trainers lying around and needs to dispose of him in an eco-friendly manner under the patio? Is it for the budding Nigella Lawson who thanks to lockdown and a village veg box has discovered how to use the spiralizer and lost five courgettes in the process. Or is it the family whose toddler is eating bananas quicker than you can say King Kong? Who would purchase an order like this?
Well this has helped us narrow things down by 50% of the population. Discretion is clearly de rigueur in this abode. I’d say shhhhh but clearly we could be dealing with a deafened octogenarian here, whose valves are a little leaky in their senior years. Or is this a younger model with shoddy sphincters? Let’s face it – there are few women who have had their pelvic floor used as a trampoline for nine months and escaped childbirth without fear of a little spillage during sudden movement. Incontinence…. sounds terribly like incompetence… Let’s hope the Amazon man delivers these discreet numbers before the government allocated once-a-day exercise leaves this incompetent bladder owner with piddle puddle problems.
So this woman isn’t messing about when it comes to colouring. Here we could have a an incognito agent. You know in movies where they are keen to shield their identity and go from an icy blonde to a bold black in the bathroom sink? This raven haired mistress could also just been conscious that although she can’t iron her forehead to eradicate the wrinkles that furrow her brow, she can at the very least blitz the hairs that turn her in to a reverse badger with grey go-faster stripes. A veritable Cruella D-evil.
So Mr Amazon. Who would place an order like this?
I’m sure the panel would agree, this is clearly the home of a not-so-young Mum who is hellbent on keeping her toddler entertained, keeping herself the right side of obese through exercise, eating at least 3 of her 5-a-day and whose concept of essential purchases clearly needs a little more reflection. A paddling pool is essential in our glorious spring sun though surely?
Have you guessed it. Yes. Our not-so-mystery purchaser was The Unyoung Mum! What do I win?
Thank you Mr Amazon Prime for keeping me feeling a little less geriatric and my toddler a little less ostracised from fun. Without you, we would literally be climbing the walls.
What purchases have you made online to keep you sane? What’s been the strangest purchase? Is there anything you’d rather the delivery man didn’t see!
Thanks for bearing with my radio silence. It’s been hard to find time to write and to find inspiration within our four walls. I’ll do my best to up my content but thank you for sticking with me! Stay safe and well. Karen xxx
The Unyoung Mum 